made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
