After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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