I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
