Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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