He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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