I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
