I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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