My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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