I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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