he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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