what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
