she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
