I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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