her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
