I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
