It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
