I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
