Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
