There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
