yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
