New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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