I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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