she looked like the before picture.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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