So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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