I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
