You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
