He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize