Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
third nipple confirmed
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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