For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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