Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
