I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
