my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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