I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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