My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
