when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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