I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
