Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
