I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
