i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
