How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
