I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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