im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
