he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
