sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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