seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
