if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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