I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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