soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
