Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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