rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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