i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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