3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
