Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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