Ambien. No doubt about it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
