The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this will be a night to untag.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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