I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
