That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
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I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
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