My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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