Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
