woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
