why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
